Emotionless

When I was about seven or eight years old, my older (then fifteen year old) cousin came to sleep over at mine. I remember after eating jollof rice, bathing reluctantly and saying our prayers, my cousin and I climbed into my bed. She and I had never been close and so after a few minutes talking about bullshit we started to fall asleep. A few minutes later i felt her hand clasp mine and to my surprise, she guided my hand cautiously under her night gown to her vagina. I let out a startled gasp and pulled my hand away, my heart beating furiously. I knew what she had done was bad. I didn't know why at the time, I just knew it. Instinctively, I pulled the hand to my nose and inhaled. It smelt strange, almost damp. We slept in silence. She never touched me again.

I wish I could say that that event had a profound effect on my life but it didn't. It didn't make me suspicious, or anxious or slightly depressed. It didn't make me not trust guys either. I mean any jadedness I possess is purely due to failed relationships. Was I freaked out? yes. Did I know it was wrong? Certainly. But after a few days, I didn't give it another thought. Life went on as usual. In fact, I had forgotten about the incident until I saw said cousin at my grandmother's memorial service two weeks ago. It was my mum's teasing about how she would soon be bringing a suitor that had triggered the flashback.

I wondered if she remembered. Actually I knew she must remember. I wondered if she thought about it every time she saw me and if she felt guilty, embarassed, or simply didn't give a fuck. Is that why we were never close? I don't know how I feel. If I heard that such a thing had been done to my little sister, I'd kill the motherfucker but I'm not even angry about it. What does that mean? Don't tell me I'm in denial because I'm dead serious when I say it has not affected me. What do you guys think?